Who am I? That’s such a loaded question because to me learning about one’s self is a lifelong journey and if I knew who I was I think I would be extremely bored with life, but there are a few things I’ve learned along the way!
I’ve always been the imaginative and artsy fartsy type of person. Left to my own devices as a child I created a loom out of a Monopoly box and never ceased to have more than five projects going on at any one time much to my mother’s detestation of the mess it created. I was outgoing to a fault as a child. I once invited everyone on the playground to my third birthday party, even the homeless man by the trash can apparently, but due to a rough childhood I lost that somewhere along the way. It wasn’t until my twenties when I really started coming into my own again. I allowed people to get closer to me and started realizing that I could be comfortable surrounded by others and not just in the solitude of my own company.
My life has been full of a lot of trials and tribulations. I had a rough relationship with my father and then he passed a month after I turned thirteen. I had knee surgery in 2009, major hip surgery in 2011 and pelvic surgery in 2016. I battled depression, anxiety, bulimia, exercise addiction and small intestinal bacterial overgrowth. I went through painful breakups that left me feeling empty and I lost friends. If I listed out all the painful things that happened in my life it would be pretty easy to feel sorry for myself. I’ve had my fair share of pain in my 28 years and I could wallow in this and ask the gods why this happened to me. Lord knows I have. I’ve hidden in the darkness becoming comfortable in the pain that had become my best friend. I entertained the dark side of myself and honestly I found her wanting.
TV shows, movies, books and media may sensationalize pain. We all know how well the brooding vampire goes over with viewers or how the new girl at school with emotional scars gets readers going, but there is nothing beautiful in pain. It took me a long time to learn that while I may be comfortable with this painful weight on my shoulders, if I only have one life I don’t want to live it in the shadows.
Despite everything, I am so fucking blessed. Sorry, not sorry, for the language. I have a mother who has supported me through all my health issues, a boyfriend who is my best friend in every sense of the word, friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin and I have a job that has allowed me to have great healthcare while being able to have a flexible schedule to work from home when I need to. I healed from those surgeries, I can eat more than 10 foods now and I just started being able to run again. My cloud is more silver lining than cloud and I want to be a beacon of light for those who can’t find the good in their bad.
Just some odds and ends about yours truly:
To know me is to know him. Robert Brault once said, “in the end you don’t so much find yourself as you find someone who knows who you are.” My boyfriend is better than anything I could have conjured up in my imagination and has been one of my biggest supporters. Find someone who challenges you, kisses you on the forehead when you’re ugly crying and is your biggest supporter through anything and everything.